Ever since we ran the first High Value Banter class back a couple of years ago, our fans and followers have been fascinated with this concept. Women in our Facebook group have been posting their own lines of banter as well as sharing their successes with banter.
The concept of banter has really struck a cord.
But as any concept gets more widespread popularity, the ideas themselves become diluted.
In this article, I want to give you a definitive guide as to what banter really is, (what it is not,) as well as how you can use playful banter in your own life to build attraction, build connection and rapport with the men of your choice.
As you study through this article, keep in mind that our ultimate goal is for you to have the ability to establish, create and cultivate a deep sense of emotional attraction and emotional connection with a guy.
If you’ve followed our work, you’d know that there are only two things that really matter in any intimate relationship. They are emotional attraction and emotional connection.
These two elements are the driving force behind any strong, loving and committed relationship.
If you’re single right now, you need to put your focus on your ability to establish, create and cultivate a deep sense of emotional attraction and emotional connection with men.
…And it all starts here with banter.
Banter is the ultimate tool to unlock the playfulness in every interaction. Why is this important? It’s because playfulness is the prerequisite for any emotional attraction to exist.
So in this article, let’s talk about what banter is, and how to banter with a guy to ultimately build emotional attraction and emotional connection with the men of your choice.
The Definition Of Banter
I was surprised to know that quite a few of our subscribers didn’t know what banter truly meant. So let’s set this straight first.
The official dictionary definition of banter is the exchange of remarks in a good-humoured teasing way.
Allow me to also add to this…
My definition of banter is the verbal or nonverbal action of stimulating and eliciting the playfulness inside of others.
Because playfulness is absolutely critical in the cultivation of emotional attraction. (And of course, emotional attraction is absolutely critical in the establishment of a strong, long lasting and passionate relationship.)
Imagine banter to be the metaphorical back and forth tennis rally between you and your love interest. An exciting rally full of different kinds of shots, sometimes forehands, backhands and a few drop shots.
Similarly, there are many ways and styles to banter, and I’m sure you’ll find your own unique twists.
But one important word of advice: keep the idea of playfulness in your mind.
Don’t be fooled into thinking that banter is about being clever, witty or even sarcastic. That will just take you down the wrong road. (We’ll talk more about this later in the article.)
Banter is about playfulness. It’s about you expressing your playfulness in order to bring the playfulness out in others.
If you can keep that in mind, you’ll go a long way. That in my humble opinion is the true meaning of banter.
3 Reasons Why Banter Is Important For You As A Woman…
Some women doubt the value of banter in their mind because they don’t normally banter much in everyday life. They also worry that it’s going to make them more “masculine”.
Nothing could be further from the truth. There’s no one “right” way to banter. You will find a style that suits you.
Plus, bantering is a natural progression of human interactions, especially in the world of love, romance and dating.
It helps you connect much deeper with men, because remember, men aren’t women. To get men to open up, relax and connect with you, you can’t expect to use the same methods you would use with your girlfriends!
So here are three reasons why flirty banter is important for you as a woman.
Number 1: Banter Is The Prerequisite For Emotional Attraction.
What does this mean? It means that in order for emotional attraction to take place between you and the man of your choice, you absolutely need some playful banter to ignite that spark.
In other words, no amount of 10/10 good looks, slim waist and fashionable clothes will help you achieve emotional attraction with a man unless you have that sense of playful banter and use it.
Remember physical attraction is a different matter altogether to emotional attraction. As such, I have no doubt you’d intuitively know what is more valuable to you as a woman.
Number 2: Banter Is How Men Naturally Communicate With Each Other.
If you were to be a fly on the wall and listen to how men communicate with each other, especially in the absence of women (ie in the male change rooms around the world), you’d be shocked.
The communication looks like a constant stream of little put downs and little metaphorical jabs at each other, but none of it carries actual negative intent.
This may look and sound mean or abrasive to most women, but rest assured, it has a very different affect on men who are masculine in their core.
In fact, banter is how men create stronger bonds with each other. This is how men show that they care. So if you were able to banter with men, they would have a natural inclination to want to get closer to you from first sight.
Number 3: Banter Helps You Weed Out The Wrong Types Of Men.
Having worked with women for more than a decade now, it is obvious to me that one of the most painful experiences women typically have is feeling like they’ve wasted a large chunk of their life on the wrong man or men.
Because it doesn’t matter who you are, none of us can turn back time.
I firmly believe that much of this heartache can be avoided if these women knew how to weed out the wrong types of men early.
Sometimes we don’t see all the red flags early because it’s easy to be blinded by our own fantasies and desires, coupled with our being seduced by some cunning sweet-talk from men.
This is where banter becomes invaluable. Banter helps you to have a “reality check” where you can ask yourself whether this man is truly attentive and attuned to you, or does he have his own ulterior motives?
Banter puts men on the spot and reveals them for who they are, beneath all the sweet talk and facade. As such, banter brings truth to the table.
…And the truth allows you to weed out the wrong types of men early in your interactions, so that you have the space in your life to attract something real.
What Is The Opposite Of Banter?
If you don’t banter, then you inevitably fall into the land of boring small talk that either leads to an awkward exit or worse, a slow painful death.
Small talk is your enemy. Remember that. (Small talk might be useful in formal settings in order to be polite and pleasant, but when it comes to the affairs of the heart, small talk is poison.)
So if you want to avoid being the next relationship roadkill, choose banter over small talk! (No matter how uncomfortable the idea of banter makes you feel right now.)
After all, anything new will feel uncomfortable at first. That’s just how it is. Over time that discomfort will slowly disappear as your comfort zone expands.
Remember that passionate relationships don’t come out of small talk. Strong emotional connection and attraction are not cultivated through small talk.
Is “Negging” A Form Of Banter?
By the way, some women have brought up the idea of “negging” and asked whether that was a form of banter.
Here’s the thing…
There are a couple of differing opinions of what “negging” actually is. There are people in the dark corners of the internet (who may be deeply insecure themselves) who have perpetuated the idea that “negging” is the act of insulting someone to bring down their confidence and their self esteem.
This is done usually in an attempt to control them, manipulate them and extract value from them.
I could not disagree more with this definition of “negging”. The idea of destroying someone else’s confidence and esteem is absolutely sick and toxic and has no place in creating emotional attraction.
Rather, I see “negging” as using backhanded compliments as a way to tease playfully. It’s metaphorically poking fun at someone in order to establish playful rapport rather than an attempt to hurt someone.
If done properly, this is a great way to establish trust and form strong rapport, however do remember that real banter involves a plethora of other “techniques”, such as role play, simple games etc.
Here’s a live video I (D.Shen) did on the topic of negging and banter:
You can discover the 7 specific styles of “High Value Banter” in the second module of our “High Value Profile & Banter” course. CLICK HERE for more details.
How To Banter With A Guy In Online Dating
It is in my opinion that the mastery of playful banter is by far the number 1 skill you need as a woman in order to have any level of success in online dating.
Nothing else comes close.
Online dating is by nature a very superficial way of “meeting” people.
Compared to flesh dating, you cannot communicate through your body language nor the tonality of your expressions.
The best you have are words on a screen and some emojis.
This effectively means that 93% of how humans naturally communicate is not available in online dating.
So in this environment, the only real tool you have is your ability to banter in order to create some level of emotional attraction and emotional connection.
You can be a perfect woman in every way and still completely fail at online dating if you can’t banter in order to establish that initial rapport.
Very often I get the question from women asking me how they should “write” banter when it comes to online dating…
Even though some pre-written scripts work amazingly in my experience, nothing will replace your creative spontaneity when banter becomes a part of you.
Because even the best application of banter will fail if you’re not attuned to the other person and to the context.
Banter isn’t about the “right” thing to say, it’s about what will continue and escalate the romantic tension and emotional attraction.
So don’t think about “what” you should write, but focus on what state you need to be in, in order for the banter to flow.
In other words, focus on how you can become “a bantering goddess”.
The best place for you to start becoming a “bantering goddess” is to sign up to our free High Value Banter class, here’s a link to do so…
CLICK HERE to sign up for our free High Value Banter class.
(On the idea of prewritten scripts, I’ve painstakingly put together over 70 never-seen-before scripts for you to use in every possible online dating situation. This is absolutely next level stuff, and I will never reveal this to our non-members. You can access these prewritten scripts inside the second module of our High Value Profile & Banter course. This is a paid course, CLICK HERE for details.)
Here Are Some “Witty” Banter Examples
So if you’re looking for examples or some inspiration, here are a few examples of banter that’s done right…
(Thanks to all those who have contributed to these examples in our Facebook Groups.)
Keep in mind that playfulness is the key to the success of any banter.
Have you ever wondered how to respond when a guy asks you “what are you looking for?” in online dating?
Well we have just the witty answer for that…
Guy: What are you looking for?
Girl: I’m looking for the guy who stole my mother’s bike 5 years ago. Have you seen him?
This is a very similar example from a lady who has become a banter goddess in our group. She used our line in her own way, check it out:
Flirty Banter With A Guy (Examples)
You may be wondering about slightly different style, perhaps more flirty banter with men.
First example from a member of ours…we will call her ‘R’. She said that she had been having trouble with guys ghosting her lately, and started to wonder if she was being too nice with guys.
So she decided to try this example we gave her…
R: Wow, you have some really nice photos! Is that to compensate for your dull personality? Kidding [playful emoji here].
Have a look how it played out for her:
See how the guy wasn’t offended and played along with her?
Here’s another example of flirty banter…
This lady used high value banter to start a conversation with a guy online, and as you can see, she spontaneously turned the conversation into a witty yet also flirty banter…
(She is in the blue)
You can see how she winged it and lead with her playfulness. Her spontaneity really shined through and the guy loved it.
Role Playing Banter
Yes, role playing is one of the truly enjoyable aspects of bantering.
I wanted to show you this role playing flirty banter scene from the movie Honest Thief (2020). Watch this two minute scene and notice three important elements of the banter between Liam Neeson and Kate Walsh:
- The spontaneity.
- The value of the unexpected and how that sense of surprise and uncertainty pulled the male character in and created a sense of emotional attraction.
- The role playing.
High Value Banter Example
And here’s another example taken from a member who used the of our lines from our high value banter class.
Woman: Oh, would you look at that, we matched! Know what I like about your profile?
Woman: absolutely nothing! [insert haha emoji here]
Have a look how she did it…
The above example is one of my favourites, because she is very playful and you can see that there was a lot of conversation momentum.
This conversation momentum ultimately lead to him asking her out on a date! Not surprisingly, she was very happy with the result. This is how you build emotional attraction with men using banter.
But Don’t Try To Be Witty Or Clever…
There is no need because banter in it’s essence isn’t about being witty or clever.
By the way, there’s nothing wrong with being witty or clever. However the true essence of banter is playfulness. And it is only through this playfulness that the “witty or clever” has any true value.
See sometimes in an attempt to be clever, women become less relatable and therefore they start creating disconnects in the conversation.
Because ultimately aiming to be witty or clever is about proving yourself. It’s about you.
It’s a self-centric act.
Aiming to be playful is about the interaction between you and that other person. It’s about the connection. It’s about something that is more than just you, something outside of you.
To illustrate this point, imagine talking to a 5 year old. You can tell the wittiest and most clever joke, but that would go right over the 5 year old’s head and cause more disconnects. That’s not value to the 5 year old.
Instead, being playful means that you operate at the 5 year old’s level… and to connect with him, perhaps you’d choose to slowly pull out a finger gun from your pocket (I have three boys young boys, and this works a treat).
The point here is to connect through playfulness, not to feel like you have to be super witty or clever in your interactions with men.
No, Sarcasm Is Not Banter.
Don’t ever think that sarcasm will somehow come across as banter. They are fundamentally different in nature.
Here’s the difference.
Sarcasm in itself carries the connotation and intent to mock or convey contempt.
Whereas true banter carries the intent to tease and be playful. They are very different in nature. (Of course it does take practice to thoroughly understand the finer distinctions between the two.)
I know this may sound like nitpicking. But it’s important for you to know that in order for you to become good at anything, you have to make finer distinctions between similar concepts.
In order to get better, the first thing you must do is to have and use a more precise vocabulary. In other words, you will get much further much faster by using the correct words and the correct language.
When we talk about banter, the underlying purpose is for us to tease playfully. We can definitely use sarcasm as a tool for that purpose, but let’s never forget the purpose. We don’t want to be sarcastic for the sake of being sarcastic.
But What If Banter Feels Unnatural And Childish…
Ever since I started teaching the concept of “High Value Banter”, I’ve realised that women typically grouped themselves into one of two groups.
The first group of women intuitively understood banter. They just got it. They felt intuitively that it was the right thing to do. Many of these women gave it a try and had immediate success.
The other group of women felt like banter was unnatural and perhaps even childish. It just didn’t sit right with them.
As such these women were much more reluctant to try banter out in the real world.
At the time, I was very curious. Why did some women just get it, and some don’t?
My intuitive response was that some women, no matter how messed up their lives may be, had secure attachment patterns from childhood, and thus intuitively get the value of banter.
…And then there are some women, no matter how successful their professional lives are, had underlying insecure attachment patterns and thus they were deeply afraid of banter.
(In other words, they were afraid that they couldn’t emotionally handle the teasing nature of banter, as well as how foreign this method of communication seemed to them.)
If you’re not familiar with attachment theory, it’s a good idea to study up on it. It might hold the answer to so many things in your life.
I’ve also got a definitive guide on abandonment issues, which relates to attachment disorders. If you have a fear of abandonment, you might want to read it here.
Some women have deep fears and insecurities that lead them to feel physically unable to engage in banter. They are also afraid of offending men, because deep down inside they know that they couldn’t help but feel offended themselves.
But here’s Why You Should Not Be Afraid To Offend Men!
If Playful Banter Feel Unnatural To You, Here’s What You Can Do
After having three sons in my own life, (and being there with them every stage of their development), I can see how strongly secure attachment can allow a child to develop a sense of playful banter.
I can call my 4 year old a “bum bum head” and he’d instantly bounce back and call me “poopie pants”. (That would never happen with a 4 year old who is insecurely attached as they would typically shy away from this challenge.)
As an adult, if you don’t feel like banter comes naturally, that’s OK. It’s not your fault. Here is what I would recommend.
- Study up on attachment theory. (There are a couple of great books out there, one by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, and another by Robert Karen.)
- Realise that your attachment patterns do not define who you are. It may be difficult but you can make changes to your attachment patterns over time.
- It’s imperative that you start practicing banter. The more your resist it, the more you need it. Believe it or not, you can use banter as a gateway for you to develop more secure attachment over time.
Will you make some mistakes along the way? Hell yeah. But will those mistakes help you become better and more attuned in the future? Absolutely.
I can tell you with absolute confidence that there’s literally no way around this process. You have my support, and my permission to go wild. So be bold, start learning and practicing High Value Banter.
It can be scary. But it could also be very exciting, and not to mention, liberating.
Again, if you haven’t attended our High Value Banter class, you can do this through the link here. Remember it’s free, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t valuable.
The only reason we were able to make this class publicly available at no cost to you is because we have thousands of women world wide trusting our advice and becoming members of our paid courses.
Here’s What To Expect When You Use “High Value Banter”…
Here is exactly what will happen when you start using High Value Banter (or playful banter if you prefer that)…
Number 1: you’ll start to have a lot more exciting conversations, that’s for sure!
You’ll start to notice that men will enjoy speaking to you, and want to continue the conversation momentum with you… (Because it’s actually fun to speak to you unlike the 97% of women out there.)
Number 2: you’ll find it so easy to weed out the men who aren’t right for you.
…Because they cannot and will not respond appropriately to your banter.
Those men are a No-No! If they don’t play along with you and your banter, it’s an absolute NO.
High Value Banter is also the BEST way to filter out men who aren’t worth your time. Because most of the time, they just eliminate themselves.
Number 3: you will get asked out a lot more by men.
That’s just how it is, and that’s just how men respond to this type of banter.
We get messages literally ALL THE TIME from women telling us that they got asked out in less than half a second after learning and using High Value Banter.
And it ain’t no coincidence!
So if you want to learn the dark feminine art of banter, the use the link below to sign up for the free class…
All I require is your name and email address, as well as signing over your firstborn.
Instead of your firstborn, just promise me that you WILL practice what you learn. OK?
And if you’ve already studied the free class and want to take things to the next level, the next step is for you to invest the next two weeks of your time and energy with me inside of our High Value Profile and Banter paid course.
You can find out more details through the LINK HERE.
The promise of this course is for you to effortlessly find exciting matches, spellbinding conversations and exhilarating real life dates with high value men through a BRAND NEW approach to online dating… (even if you’ve lost all faith and your self esteem has been torn apart by dating apps!)
Let us know any questions and thoughts you may have in the comments below!
(This article was written by myself and my husband D.Shen, the banter master and creator of the program High Value Profile and Banter.)